CONFIRMED REALIZATION: one of the many reasons i run

it was an otherwise ordinary afternoon at the office where i usually found myself typing my calloused fingertips away (well, just my left hand is really calloused but not from typing but from the guitar really) when this window pops up on my PC with a colleague asking what happened with office crush last night, where did we go drinking, who initiated the invitation, what time was this and well.. let’s just say that after the first question i found myself pretty pissed at him for being so nosy. and i actually found myself mentioning that i get pissed off when people try to keep tabs on me and then it hit me. that i HATE IT…. HATE IT WITH A PASSION when people (or actually, GUYS) who have no business try to keep tabs on me and my whereabouts. and at that very moment I wanted to yell “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WE”RE NOT TOGETHER AND WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT CLOSE FRIENDS!!!”

and at the same time i couldn’t believe it. that maybe one of the many reasons i could never settle down with just one person is that i couldn’t stand the thought of having someone know what i’m up to or where i am ALL the time. not that i have a knack for getting into trouble. i don’t. it’s just that i can’t stand it when people get too nosy. especially ones that i have no affiliations with whatsoever… like work colleagues.

call me crazy or vain for that matter but at that moment i felt childish and REALLY pissed off and paranoid. because guys in general don’t ask you about your whereabouts (even if it was with someone else) if they don’t give a fuck about you. and well…. when guy friends or work colleagues (particularly ones that i don’t romantically like) get too nosy, the alarms (i have zillions of them!!) in my head go off. and i kind of shut down. and when they ask if i’m ok because they noticed that i’ve been moody lately, well… it just ticks me off more. because the bottomline is, IF I WANTED THEM TO KNOW, I’D TELL THEM…. if it was any of their business. i mean why do i owe them a report of what i’ve been up to?! i’m no dependent. i’m not a child (though i get angry much like a kid). and well… i’m not with any of them and neither do i have DREAMS of getting together with any of these people.

that’s the thing. maybe the whole thought of getting into a relationship is not scary, true. but the mere thought of being dependent on one other person in the world, that kind of drives me nuts. i do get mad at myself for getting too attached to someone too. like how some people can’t watch a movie without that person or they can’t have lunch at this place because they don’t want to go with anyone else BUT. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

At the same time, i seriously don’t like it when someone gets too attached to me… which includes work colleagues asking about my whereabouts. UGH. get a life so you don’t have to keep bugging me about my time.

oh and by the way, this reaction is only applicable to guy friends that i see only strictly as guy friends… or male work colleagues. girl friends, it doesn’t bother me at all.

hmmm…i smell trouble.

Okay, that was quick….

My 5 minute crush is now officially over. Hah. I’m happy that you have found another filipina, who probably deserves you too. She’s a great girl. I just wish she wasn’t the one. Hahaha. I’m evil, but whatever. We’re allowed to secretly conspire against fellow women, too. She can have you, your pale blue eyes, and your drunken splendour.

the randomness of you

i can’t seem to get this goofy grin off my face everytime you text me about this band or this song that i should listen to… and it’s only happened twice. not counting the time i found a post-it note on my keyboard with a list of bands that you thought i should listen to… or all the links we’ve sent the past few weeks.

it’s like homework. the getting-to-know-you kind.

sometimes i write short letters to you in my head like this one:

dear you,
you make me smile so much my cheeks hurt sometimes.
love,
me

and this:

dear you,
don’t let me catch you going through your ipod again for stuff you tell me to listen to. it’s undeniably cute.
love,
me

….maybe i’ll get to tell you about them someday. =)

rain on my eyelashes

i was out with friends last friday. it was after the bastketball game and it was raining. naturally, there was beer. we were just drinking in a small sinkhole of a place in ortigas much like the hundred others we’d frequented for a beer or so. and then he showed up. he came in all tall (he really literally was) in a purple shirt, shorts, and thick eyeglasses but he wasn’t emo, i could tell. he was just preppy. and i thought he was cute. but it was only when he was introduced and 30 minutes later said that i looked familiar when i had this sneaking suspicion that it was a line. then he said ‘i used to see you often in agno’ which made me realize it was not a line but a legit statement. then the common ground conversation took place. we talked about people we knew back then and what project we’re both assigned to along with ice cold beer and the rain was winding down. it was crazy ass cats and dogs type of rain earlier but by then, it was the kind that settled on eyelashes, delicate as glass.

then the conversation went to warnings about guys and their fishing tactics and the various kinds of lesbians and then rankings of lines that worked and didn’t work since high school. I received the brunt of the force of these lines that night but i knew it was all a joke. there would be awkward silences but he’d remedy that by offering to talk about something else like politics or the weather or global issues or nietzsche or making up random haikus at which point i was already mildly impressed. he even actually attempted to make a haiku and failed but the mere fact that he knew the syllabic format for it was mildly impressive. from there it turned to what i was doing after or if i wanted to go to katy perry night in makati but the thing was so many jokes have been said the entire time that i couldn’t tell if this was a joke or not. i couldn’t tell either if he was serious about asking for my number either. apparently he tried 3 times during the entire conversation while we were drinking and the entire time it seemed like the 8 other people we were supposed to be drinking and socializing with weren’t even there.

maybe it’s the rain. or the beer or maybe i just haven’t allowed myself to exchange such banter with anyone for a long time. in any case, i went home early. but i SO wish i didn’t if only to extend the conversation. but then as they always say, there’s always next time.

kid fears… or so i think they are

Sometimes I can’t stand being optimistic about all this. It’s too tiring to believe that someone out there (not exactly) singularly meant for me) exists.

And I fear that I have let all my chances pass me by. Do I regret them? Some, yes. Others, definitely not.

Much as I want to be optimistic and if I may boldly say IDEALISTIC about all this, I still end up pushing people away.