the randomness of you

i can’t seem to get this goofy grin off my face everytime you text me about this band or this song that i should listen to… and it’s only happened twice. not counting the time i found a post-it note on my keyboard with a list of bands that you thought i should listen to… or all the links we’ve sent the past few weeks.

it’s like homework. the getting-to-know-you kind.

sometimes i write short letters to you in my head like this one:

dear you,
you make me smile so much my cheeks hurt sometimes.
love,
me

and this:

dear you,
don’t let me catch you going through your ipod again for stuff you tell me to listen to. it’s undeniably cute.
love,
me

….maybe i’ll get to tell you about them someday. =)

rain on my eyelashes

i was out with friends last friday. it was after the bastketball game and it was raining. naturally, there was beer. we were just drinking in a small sinkhole of a place in ortigas much like the hundred others we’d frequented for a beer or so. and then he showed up. he came in all tall (he really literally was) in a purple shirt, shorts, and thick eyeglasses but he wasn’t emo, i could tell. he was just preppy. and i thought he was cute. but it was only when he was introduced and 30 minutes later said that i looked familiar when i had this sneaking suspicion that it was a line. then he said ‘i used to see you often in agno’ which made me realize it was not a line but a legit statement. then the common ground conversation took place. we talked about people we knew back then and what project we’re both assigned to along with ice cold beer and the rain was winding down. it was crazy ass cats and dogs type of rain earlier but by then, it was the kind that settled on eyelashes, delicate as glass.

then the conversation went to warnings about guys and their fishing tactics and the various kinds of lesbians and then rankings of lines that worked and didn’t work since high school. I received the brunt of the force of these lines that night but i knew it was all a joke. there would be awkward silences but he’d remedy that by offering to talk about something else like politics or the weather or global issues or nietzsche or making up random haikus at which point i was already mildly impressed. he even actually attempted to make a haiku and failed but the mere fact that he knew the syllabic format for it was mildly impressive. from there it turned to what i was doing after or if i wanted to go to katy perry night in makati but the thing was so many jokes have been said the entire time that i couldn’t tell if this was a joke or not. i couldn’t tell either if he was serious about asking for my number either. apparently he tried 3 times during the entire conversation while we were drinking and the entire time it seemed like the 8 other people we were supposed to be drinking and socializing with weren’t even there.

maybe it’s the rain. or the beer or maybe i just haven’t allowed myself to exchange such banter with anyone for a long time. in any case, i went home early. but i SO wish i didn’t if only to extend the conversation. but then as they always say, there’s always next time.

If the rest fits

it was over another one of those lazy summer afternoons while having coffee and a cigarette or two with old friends that the conversation about ‘fit’ came up.

she started with ‘you know how you just know it’s right when you fit?’ and seeing the puzzled look on my face she proceeded to explain. You fit. You lean into him and your head fits right in that space between his shoulders and his jaw that you can press your cheek on his collarbone or your forehead on his neck when you snuggle. Or when you hold hands and his palm encloses your entire hand just right without stifling you. Or when you kiss and no one bends over or tiptoes. You know. You fit.

So now, I do wonder about fit without a single person in mind but more of part of the gleaning of potential. If I stand next to him do I look miniscule? Can I wear heels (99% of the time the answer is yes… because I’m tiny)? If he holds my hand will his fingers stick out or would my hand feel snug in his? Will I fit in the crook of his arm when he puts his arms around my shoulder? Will our knees bump when we sit across each other in a jeepney? Is there space in the belt loop of my jeans in case he wants to wrap a finger around it while walking? Random things that I sometimes ache to find out.

Idiot-Smile Moments and High-School-Crush Rush

Remember when you ran screaming to your friends because the cutest guy (to you, at least) that you’ve been keeping track of (read: STALKING) for ages actually said ‘hi’ to you… through text?

Nevermind that you looked like a bird flapping your arms (others also stomp while flapping) when small moments like these happen. All you know is that for that one tenth of a second, the world burst into song and there’s a theatrical production number in front of you sponsored by the hundreds of people milling about on the street and you can’t stop smiling like an idiot. And you seriously can’t stop that your jaw hurts but who cares?! It’s so effing awesome, you’re so happy you could do cartwheels and jump off a bridge and still wouldn’t care if you broke all your bones!

Being in my twenties, these moments have become rare and are farther and farther apart each time. I can pretty much chalk it up to being jaded (yeah right) or how every time something like this happens and it gets messed up, it really hurts just as much (if not twice as much) as it made me happy in the beginning, that anything after takes quite a lot to reach the same level in its ‘happiness factor’.

Still, it’s nice to know that I am still capable of grinning like an idiot and sinking in my office chair when I logged on to a particular social networking site to find that a (perhaps irrelevant, distant, and WAAAAAAY out there) crush sent a request to add me. Nevermind that it wasn’t the same account where he added my friends (common friends) whom he REALLY was friends with… I’m probably more of a friend of a friend type…Nevermind ALL that! I still get giddy everytime I look that thumbnail with his name right next to it.

Most people spend so much time licking their wounds from past loves and picking at them when they sort of heal that sometimes we forget how much fun it is to be giddy and silly with a ridiculously wide smile on our faces. Oh don’t worry this happens to me a lot too… both the wound-picking and idiot-smiles.

So. What did i do? What any crusher would do to a crushee! I kept the request there for about two days still riding on the rush of when I first saw it and immediately took a screenshot… and then blogged about it.


I am an idiot I know. It's just a crush but oh boy what a fun crush this one is! ... Distant, true, but fun nonetheless. =)

-Ariel

me and you (and you and me)

we looked like manic alcoholics sharing a bottle of wine by the lake in a sea of toads croaking.

- Belle