CONFIRMED REALIZATION: one of the many reasons i run

it was an otherwise ordinary afternoon at the office where i usually found myself typing my calloused fingertips away (well, just my left hand is really calloused but not from typing but from the guitar really) when this window pops up on my PC with a colleague asking what happened with office crush last night, where did we go drinking, who initiated the invitation, what time was this and well.. let’s just say that after the first question i found myself pretty pissed at him for being so nosy. and i actually found myself mentioning that i get pissed off when people try to keep tabs on me and then it hit me. that i HATE IT…. HATE IT WITH A PASSION when people (or actually, GUYS) who have no business try to keep tabs on me and my whereabouts. and at that very moment I wanted to yell “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WE”RE NOT TOGETHER AND WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT CLOSE FRIENDS!!!”

and at the same time i couldn’t believe it. that maybe one of the many reasons i could never settle down with just one person is that i couldn’t stand the thought of having someone know what i’m up to or where i am ALL the time. not that i have a knack for getting into trouble. i don’t. it’s just that i can’t stand it when people get too nosy. especially ones that i have no affiliations with whatsoever… like work colleagues.

call me crazy or vain for that matter but at that moment i felt childish and REALLY pissed off and paranoid. because guys in general don’t ask you about your whereabouts (even if it was with someone else) if they don’t give a fuck about you. and well…. when guy friends or work colleagues (particularly ones that i don’t romantically like) get too nosy, the alarms (i have zillions of them!!) in my head go off. and i kind of shut down. and when they ask if i’m ok because they noticed that i’ve been moody lately, well… it just ticks me off more. because the bottomline is, IF I WANTED THEM TO KNOW, I’D TELL THEM…. if it was any of their business. i mean why do i owe them a report of what i’ve been up to?! i’m no dependent. i’m not a child (though i get angry much like a kid). and well… i’m not with any of them and neither do i have DREAMS of getting together with any of these people.

that’s the thing. maybe the whole thought of getting into a relationship is not scary, true. but the mere thought of being dependent on one other person in the world, that kind of drives me nuts. i do get mad at myself for getting too attached to someone too. like how some people can’t watch a movie without that person or they can’t have lunch at this place because they don’t want to go with anyone else BUT. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

At the same time, i seriously don’t like it when someone gets too attached to me… which includes work colleagues asking about my whereabouts. UGH. get a life so you don’t have to keep bugging me about my time.

oh and by the way, this reaction is only applicable to guy friends that i see only strictly as guy friends… or male work colleagues. girl friends, it doesn’t bother me at all.

hmmm…i smell trouble.

I’m just not that into you.

How do you reject someone you’ve been ‘sort of seeing’ … in the hopes of putting him on the friend bucket?

There’s so many levels to dating that this conversation can become very convoluted in no time. There’s someone you’re seeing, someone you’re sort of seeing, and perhaps people in between – and of course, men who belong in the friend zone. There are so many levels and feelings gambled that I feel it’s one giant russian roulette.

I’ve been mulling over this question since this morning, when I got a proverbial SMS from a man who has expressed a distinct ‘fondness’ over me.

See, here’s where it gets complicated. He’s a great guy, not freaky at all, but the mere fact that he reminds me more of a father – he knows his world history down pat, he’s great in math  and he’s a member of the academe. Not bad characteristics at all – it’s just that, I’m not into him. He belongs in the friendship bucket. Besides, I’m currently seeing a Mister Right. We don’t need a Mister Right now to get in the way, now do we?

But every time we hang out, he always PAYS for everything. He makes it clear that he’s gentlemanly, gives  me hugs, and he sends messages like “It’s so great hanging out with you. I really had a great time.” – a default post-date reminder of the potentiality of what CAN happen between us.

Not to mention, the random remarks of our potential “couplehood” – preweekend planning, sport plans, movies. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

It’s not that I don’t want to do those things.. Its just that.. I don’t want to do it with you.

I hate rejection. I hate rejecting things and getting rejected. But this time, I think calls for drastic measures. I’m rehearsing my script out loud in the hopes of a right configuration of words.

Sometimes, there’s no better way to say it. I’m just not that into you.

My vote still stays with my mister right.

- Belle