CONFIRMED REALIZATION: one of the many reasons i run

it was an otherwise ordinary afternoon at the office where i usually found myself typing my calloused fingertips away (well, just my left hand is really calloused but not from typing but from the guitar really) when this window pops up on my PC with a colleague asking what happened with office crush last night, where did we go drinking, who initiated the invitation, what time was this and well.. let’s just say that after the first question i found myself pretty pissed at him for being so nosy. and i actually found myself mentioning that i get pissed off when people try to keep tabs on me and then it hit me. that i HATE IT…. HATE IT WITH A PASSION when people (or actually, GUYS) who have no business try to keep tabs on me and my whereabouts. and at that very moment I wanted to yell “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WE”RE NOT TOGETHER AND WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT CLOSE FRIENDS!!!”

and at the same time i couldn’t believe it. that maybe one of the many reasons i could never settle down with just one person is that i couldn’t stand the thought of having someone know what i’m up to or where i am ALL the time. not that i have a knack for getting into trouble. i don’t. it’s just that i can’t stand it when people get too nosy. especially ones that i have no affiliations with whatsoever… like work colleagues.

call me crazy or vain for that matter but at that moment i felt childish and REALLY pissed off and paranoid. because guys in general don’t ask you about your whereabouts (even if it was with someone else) if they don’t give a fuck about you. and well…. when guy friends or work colleagues (particularly ones that i don’t romantically like) get too nosy, the alarms (i have zillions of them!!) in my head go off. and i kind of shut down. and when they ask if i’m ok because they noticed that i’ve been moody lately, well… it just ticks me off more. because the bottomline is, IF I WANTED THEM TO KNOW, I’D TELL THEM…. if it was any of their business. i mean why do i owe them a report of what i’ve been up to?! i’m no dependent. i’m not a child (though i get angry much like a kid). and well… i’m not with any of them and neither do i have DREAMS of getting together with any of these people.

that’s the thing. maybe the whole thought of getting into a relationship is not scary, true. but the mere thought of being dependent on one other person in the world, that kind of drives me nuts. i do get mad at myself for getting too attached to someone too. like how some people can’t watch a movie without that person or they can’t have lunch at this place because they don’t want to go with anyone else BUT. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

At the same time, i seriously don’t like it when someone gets too attached to me… which includes work colleagues asking about my whereabouts. UGH. get a life so you don’t have to keep bugging me about my time.

oh and by the way, this reaction is only applicable to guy friends that i see only strictly as guy friends… or male work colleagues. girl friends, it doesn’t bother me at all.

hmmm…i smell trouble.

Long distance (relationships) dramas.

Long Distance Relationships.

Long dreary relationships. Long love traveling relationships. Long distinguishable relationships…

The key word here is the second word, one which you can replace with any other fancy word on the dictionary. in truth, the problem with the word “distance” is that it pertains to a gap in between two people, quantified by space and time. A concept which bypasses the idea of a relationship in the first place.

What relationship concept?
Your heart on your sleeve. Somebody calling you babe. A wholesome feeling of togetherness. It’s having to love someone regardless if they’re fat, they’re evil, they’re irrational – regardless of whether they’re right or their wrong. A novel test of whether you love someone is quoted from one of my favourite Meg Ryan movies:

Maggie: When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog’s butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they’ve started to grow, and eventually they’re gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it’s an old dog anyway. But father won’t do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That’s love, Sam. - from Addicted to Love [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118556/quotes]

I know, I know, it’s not the best visual, especially if you’re expecting peaches and cream, but THAT is love. It’s painful, and nerve wrecking, and not so pretty, and amazing at the same time. It makes us do stupid things for our loved “ones”. You just love them. You reduce yourself to a being that simply exists and is inspired by this person, and you ask nothing back.
You … just are.